I’m not saying you’re an asshole, Luke. I’m just saying you seem like the kind of guy who sees a joke Facebook status and instead of just “liking” it, you comment on the status with your own shitty tag for the joke. Luke, you’re an assistant manager at Aeropostale. Stay out of show business.
I tried online dating for a couple of years starting back in 2010. I know that’s not very long ago, but back then sites like OkCupid were still fairly new, and there weren’t a million to choose from. People were still ashamed to do it. Not really ashamed, but a little. It was still a weird thing. There was still a sense that it was a sort of failure. You can’t meet people in person, so you need an algorithm to tell you who you should talk to. That’s how it felt to me at least, and that was a perfectly accurate description of me, so what was I being so proud about?
It started out all right. I talked to a few girls, and went on a couple of terrible to mediocre dates. I’ve never been good at talking to people in person, and as it turns out, I wasn’t great at it online either. Pretty soon the whole thing turned exhausting. How to get their attention, how to carry on a conversation with someone you’ve never met, knowing when to suggest an actual date, and all this after finding someone that doesn’t repulse you with their taste in movies. I wasn’t getting a flood of attention in the first place, but eventually the well dried up. It became a site I’d go to just to confirm that no one wanted to talk to me. I could blame the girls, or the whole system, but that would be unfair. It was me. I was so picky it eventually felt like OkCupid was scraping the bottom of the barrel. You didn’t want the compatible ones, huh? This girl rides a Harley and has a tramp stamp of the Confederate Flag. It was actively bumming me out, so I gave up.
Recently a friend told me I should try it again because “It would be good for me.” I know it wasn’t supposed to be insulting, but it kind of felt that way. Like she didn’t believe I could meet someone the old fashioned way. And ok, maybe she has ton of anecdotal evidence, but still! What about my pride?! Well it crumbled when I got drunk and lonely one night. I decided to check out Tinder, because it’s based on your location. I’m not now, nor will I probably ever be, the Random Hookup Guy, but sometimes I like to pretend. From there it seemed pretty logical to reactivate my OkCupid, and now here we are. Online dating. A new, old frontier. I don’t imagine it’s going to end any better, but who knows? I’ve come a long way since I gave it up the first time. I’m not as convinced I’m going to die alone. Maybe I’ll meet the love of my life. Or maybe I’ll be murdered.