I’ve been talking about seeing someone for anxiety and depression for years. Literally years. Sometimes it’s an offhanded “I should probably go see someone” and sometimes it’s a serious “I need to go see someone, and soon.” But I never have. Partially because going through the whole process freaks me out, but partially, I think, because I didn’t really believe that there was anything wrong with me. At least not anything real, like a chemical imbalance. When I would think about it, I’d come to the same conclusion, that I’m just another normal guy that doesn’t know how to be happy with the pretty decent life he’s got. And that the entire world is moments away from coming crashing down on me. But please, let’s not be ridiculous, this isn’t a mental health issue, it’s just idiosyncrasies.
That’s what kept me from going to a doctor. I don’t have a condition, I’m just a pussy. Then a couple of weeks ago a friend posted a comic that someone made about what it feels like to live with anxiety. By the time I was done reading it I wouldn’t have been surprised if it was signed “Evan Jones.” I would have thought “Weird, I don’t remember making this, but it is 100% how I feel every day, so I guess I did.” I decided I should at least see what else the internet had to say about it. I’ve been trying not to self diagnose, but that’s hard to do when you read a list of symptoms and put a mental check next to every one. Trouble falling or staying asleep? That’s when I think about everything that’s gone wrong. Irritability? Is it irritability if everyone actually is the worst? Alright, then yes. Being easily startled? I thought it was just loud sudden noises, but the other week I jumped because of a parked car, so ok. Inability to relax? How can I relax with all this stuff to worry about not doing?
So I can’t deny it anymore. There’s definitely something wrong with my brain, and to be honest, it’s a relief. It makes it easier knowing that it’s not my fault. I don’t feel like I’ll be wasting a doctor’s time. I’ve actually started trying to find someone, which is a whole issue in itself, but I know that I’m doing the right thing now. I know that there are solutions out there and that I don’t have to spend every day feeling like this. Thank fuck.